This is my world.-Charis

(manang nest posted this on the bulletin board…and it mirrors the dawn ending the midnight in my life now…it’s really amazing how God can bring hope from the ashes.and when He brings hope, it is a verdant as a plant blossoming from the spring. He brings abundant life from something as black as ashes, coal and dust.)

FOOTPRINTS…A New Version

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are
walking down the road   together.  For
much of the way, the Lord’s footprints
go along steadily, consistently, rarely
varying the pace.

But your footprints are a disorganized
stream of zigzags, starts, stops,
turnarounds, circles, departures, and
returns.

For much of the way, it seems to go
like this, but gradually your
footprints come more in line with the
Lord’s, soon paralleling His
consistently.

You and Jesus are walking as true
friends!

This seems perfect, but then an
interesting thing happens: Your
footprints that once etched the sand
next to Jesus’ are now walking
precisely in His steps.

Inside His larger footprints are your
smaller ones, you and Jesus are
becoming one.

This goes on for many miles, but
gradually you notice another change.
The footprints  inside the large
footprints seem to grow larger.

Eventually they disappear altogether.
There is only one set of footprints
they have become one.

This goes on for a long time, but
suddenly the second set of footprints
is back. This time it seems even worse!
Zigzags all over the place.   Stops.
Starts. Gashes in the sand.   A
variable mess of prints.

You are amazed and shocked.

Your dream ends. Now you pray:

"Lord, I understand the first scene,
with zigzags and fits.  I was a new
Christian; I was just learning.  But
You walked on through the storm and
helped me learn to walk with You."

"That is correct."

"And when the smaller footprints were
inside of Yours, I was actually
learning to walk in Your steps ,
following You very closely."

"Very good.. You have understood
everything so far."

When the smaller footprints grew and
filled in Yours, I suppose that I was
becoming like You in every way."

"Precisely."

"So, Lord, was there a regression or
something? The footprints separated,
and this time it was worse than at
first."

There is a pause as the Lord answers,
with a smile in His voice.

"You didn’t know?  It was then that we
danced!"

To everything there is a season, a time
for every purpose under heaven: A time
to weep, a time to laugh, A time to
mourn, and a time to dance.

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.

i feel bad…not physically though…emotionally, spiritually…

the last time i cried was… last night, and the last last time? i don’t know…don’t remember…maybe i’m geeting used to bottling up my emotions when i don’t share my problems with other Christians…i think it wouldn’t be proper to share my own problems when they have personal problems of their own…and some how, my emotions are desensitized…except last night.

and the last time i had my quiet time? when i opened my devotional guide, the ribbon was inserted at the january 25 date…sometimes maybe God has to shout really loud to catch my attention. and maybe, i keep straying voluntarily so His cries fall on my own deaf ears and hard heart….and i just pray that the joy of the salvation He’s given me that was lost will be returned…i have this question though..if you don’t listen to God after He has trying to catch your attention for so many times, will He leave you and turn you away? will He stop listening to your prayers? will He stop working in your life?

i often hide behind my studies,  and i’ve noticed the more i try to make more time to study, sometimes it won’t work that efficiently…like when i didn’t reach the cutoff grade for my major subject’s midterm exam… ok,i better shut up…

i know i want, rather, need someone to listen, but i don’t think someone will or could.and  i also think when you get to the end of this blog entry, you’d think, "pathetic girl…"

it’s only tuesday, but i’m a bit bored…maybe if i really get swamped with work,then i’ll be on my toes…

being bored is really ugly for me…the last bad case of "boredness" i had was last summer…it was a wreck…i get mini-"bored spells" sometimes,but there’s always a cure for that…thank God for teachers and profs who assign tons of assignments.this i say with my whole heart.

i can’t seem to start making my column for the college paper,but i’ve finished all 3 news articles i needed to make. i also started collecting data for the paper’s editorial, and my creativity is at a standstill now…another question.how do you persuade/cajole/urge delinquent staff members to complete their assignments on time, when you are at the receiving end of the their procrastination? (i’m not giving names…they know who they are…)

school is uhm…well…difficult. i am still praying to get the academic scholarship i applied for because this could really take of some of the weight of my parents’ burdens when it comes to my tuition fees…not schooling in up diliman was a blessing in diguise.i would have been uprooted from my "dream school" due to papa’s 2-year unemployment.

maybe i’ll let my next-to-urgent work pile a little so i’ll get swamped with work.
maybe not. i didn’t study for any of my subjects last weekend because of the dinagyang fever (it sometimes gets to me,even if i didn’t join in any of the activities and i don’t approve of the "religious" side of the celebration). and just a little earlier, i was caught by surprise for 2 quizzes which were announced but uh…had somehow slipped from my attention.thank God for cpa board auditing theory reviewers and classmates who let you "analyze" (e.g. copy) their assignment..but i didn’t, ok?

maybe i ought to go home…i promised myself (and my mother and my father) not to go home late.

last thing: something bugs me about dinagyang, but i can’t find the right (e.g. un self-righteous) words to wrap my question…

ok…i’ll stop na…enough procrastinating…i’ll find something to do…there will always be something for me to do…or else it’s gonna be the grave.

Someday, you’ll gonna realize
One day, you’ll see through my eyes
But then I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere
Even if I can’t

You know
You think you’re the last guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
It won’t take long
Won’t take long

Coz someday
Someone’s gonna love me
The way I want you to need me
Someday, someone gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You’ll see I won’t even miss you
Someday, someday…

But now
I know you can’t tell
I’m down, and I’m not doing well
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won’t have to cry
Sweet goodbye

filamer christian college student republic invited a varsity debate team from cpu to engage in a debate which was held yesterday as part of the fccsr week celebrations. i am happy and proud to be part of the CPU team composed of 1 of the best (ervin from the college of nursing), 2 of the next best (congrats, mitch! and saylor from the college of engineering), 2 of the "pained losers" (sorry emman and ng joyce, next time, i won’t speak for all of us), and 1 brilliant startstruck hopeful (hi andrea! boys, she’s not just another pretty face..she’s intelligent,you know).

this will always be a bittersweet memory for me:bitter because i feel bad that i couldn’t play a more active role in the teamwork than what i want to because of several parent-imposed restrictions. sweet kay CPU garnered all the awards up for grabs in the person of mitch who got the best speaker and best debater award, and of andrea who got the best rebuttalist award. viva la Central! proud to be a Centralian!

i would also like to thank pastor alfred for his patience on the following matters:

1) why i didn’t and couldn’t be a speaker or rebuttalist,

2) why i couldn’t stay during the first coffeebreak meeting,

3) why i couldn’t stay overnight during the preparation period;

4) why i couldn’t stay overnight in roxas before the debate,

5) why i couldn’t stay overnight in roxas after the debate.

(is it any wonder then why i feel "bitter" in the aftershock of this event?) i learned a lot but i think i would have learned even more had i stayed with them faithfully,but still, i honor above this the authority God extended over my parents. or else i’ll die early and wouldn’t even get to enjoy the fruits of the grunt and strain of the college course i am laboring to finish. but of course, the grunt and strain would be another facet of my life, and another post in my blog, wouldn’t it?

yesterday was… well, just like any other day imaginable. what happened yesterday? hmmm… our neighbor’s stupid dog killed one of my favorite puppies, which was barely five months old…asshole! (the dog, not the neighbor).

what else? i crammed for a test in advance accounting, and am expecting to get satisfactory results.this was a first year lesson, for goodness sake! i didn’t study it very well, but i got the gist of the lesson on partnership formation, operations, dissolution and liquidation. and with the help of my "pirated" CPA board exams reviewer, i managed to answer all the short problems with half of the confidence i should have if i had studied better…

i did sit down to a delicious, uneventful and solitary dinner of my mother’s pancit and 2 and a half pieces of Binondo hopia (a family favorite). a pack contains 5 pieces of hopia,and since it was my birthday, i got half of the pack.hehe.

other than those, i also had a smattering of greeters and greetings for my ninteenth birthday. i have this feeling of anticipation every time my birthday rolls around, and i attibute it on the frivolous kiddie parties my mother used to throw for me when we were still living in bahrain.

i knew my 19th birthday wasn’t even on the list of my better days, and i really didn’t expect it to go so well…i tried to keep quiet about it at school, considering that only the class secretary (who keeps the records of birthdays) remembered. only a few remembered. only chela remembered my birthday among the people sa cvcf. i intend to keep it that way, and i told my few greeters that we would celebrate in "lump-sum" when i pass the CPA board exams. my dad promised me there would be lechon from our would-be thriving hog raising business.hehe.

i’ve noticed that those who remember either saw my friendster account, or really remembered and bothered to greet me. thank you gid!to those who forgot, i forgive you.hehehe.and to those who intentionally ignored, you’re not invited! hehehehe. joke!

but seriously, i thank God for giving me 19 years. and to think that my 18th year was one of the chaotic years of my life. i doubted, was discouraged, got "heartbroken" (which is way big overstatement for "pained"…heartwounds heal through sublimation right?), felt stupid in class a couple of times, screamed when i passed the qualifying exam, travelled a lot, shunned society in favor of my studies, quit being the execom of cvcf (in turn almost terminating the only source of Christian fellowship i had).

i am still
feeling aloof
feeling melancholic and pathetic in some of my subjects
fighting the feeling,
having irregularr quiet times,
correcting my priorities,
avoiding having pathetic crushes,
seeing others have romantic relationships and disapprove of what i see (oh puhleeze! don’t get me started!*ew! self-righteous!* "lovers look with their eyes on each other, friends look ahead." i believe that there is more to life than dating. sorry ha, this is my blog. don’t you dare tell me what i can’t say. *rebellious streak showing*)

having fun being single,
having fun waiting,
studying hard,
concentrating on my studies,
wanting to redeem my parents difficulty of raising me,
wishing and working and praying and stuggling to be a CPA
living my live to the fullest in the abundance that God has given me (i’m not living it out as abundant as i think, anyway)

i had this interesting quiet time passage last saturday, and it comforted me a lot. i reflected that  God will really not stop correcting me until my "righteousness shines out like the dawn and salvation like a blazing torch(Isaiah 62:1-2)" and that His delight will be in me (Isaiah 62:4 Hephzibah-my delight is in her)

i really thank God for grace. i needed every ounce of it, but i didn’t deserve it, and i can’t place my thankfulness in words.

who can clothe the Savior’s grace in words?

so i’m still
wishing and praying to become the person God wants me to be…

my sembreak was so darn nice i feel guilty for it…almost hedonistic i guess…but still, i believe everything good is a gift given by the Father. so it isn’t hedonistic i guess.

i visited manila, tagaytay, subic and baguio for our fieldtrip. here are some parts of the itinerary:

Marikina:
with its doll and shoe museums and i got to see imelda marcos’ shoes (which is a real treat for me, being a mediocre fashionista). she has lots of shoes because she buys all the colors that a style is available in. the doll museum was really nice because the dolls were used in dioramas depicting filipino culture and heritage and marikina’s history.

enchanted kingdom:
i got to ride on anchors away (where you get the feeling that your intestines are going to drop any minute from being whirled in a semi-circle motion), bump and splash (a sort of bump cars ride on water, and where i got my first taste of controlling a vehicle of some sort), the mini rollercoster, the ride with plastic hotair balloons, rio grande rapids (where i didn’t get as wet as i expected.i had to hold on to mine and my groupmates cellphones in a bag that isn’t waterproof..i had a hard time with the bag,but i had a blast with the ride.hehe) my only regret was that i didn’t have anyone to share the space shuttle ride with,so i opted not to go alone.i promised myself that the next time i go there, i’ll sit next to my dad on the space shuttle.hehe!

ukay2 in maharlika market:
i got a cute long-sleeved blouse, like the ones uso ngayon, with the ruffled collar and a ribbon around the neck. i felt bad in baguio because i wasn’t able to go to the wet market or even catch a glimpse of sm baguio.sale pa naman ng weekend na yun..hay.. what motivates me is that when i get to pass the CPA Board Exams, i’ll get a good job, and i’ll bring my family to baguio for vacation (although my parents spent there honeymoon there.)

strawberry farm: i bought two small jars of strwberry preserves,and one of them is still surviving this week.namit…hehe.

factory visits:
we visited the hangar of AirPhilippines,the factory of Mitsubishi, Noritake plates which is the maker of expensive and classy porcelain plates, Gardenia bakery in Laguna (i saw the portion of the factory featured in unang hirit), Japs shoes (which was also featured in unang hirit), Otto shoes (they are handmade by the way,and durable because they’re made of leather, and i even got free tips on how to distinguish real leather from man made leather), Lucban hats (where "sosyal señorita" hats of import quality are manufactured).

subic: we visited the Jungle Environmental Survival Training Camp where Aetas are the boss (they are the instructors there, and reflecting on an incident between my classmate and the tour guide, no race is inferior.g?), the technopark, the industrial park, houses of the FedEx pilots (which have flat roofs so helicopters can fetch them anytime they are needed), the international airport, duty free shops. we also passed by the club where "Nicole" was said to have met the American marines who raped her.

tagaytay:
we had lunch in a restaurant in the famous park there (i forgot the name of that park). we were each served two cups of rice, a whole sweet-sour tilapia, slices of pineapple…sayang gid because we were given less than one hour to finish the meal, and there were a lot of leftovers…we weren’t able to visit people’s park in the sky because we had a long way to travel, plus the traffic. in cavite, we passed the military camp where erap was formerly imprisoned (our tourguide said he could’nt stay long there because it was creepy and the site was formerly a dumping ground for salvaged bodies because Caviteños are matatapang: pag may kaaway, ipapasalvage.did i mention my father is a Caviteño?hehe! the difference is, he’s a Christian,and Christians don’t take matters of justice into their own hands.) we also passed by the very wide seventh day adventist university,where one of my cousins from my father’s side is currently enrolled in. what else? i enjoyed the espasol.

Part 2:Sampaguita Gardens
last week, i got to join the mid-year convention of the western visayas federation of junior philippine institute of accountants. the convention was held in sampaguita gardens, aklan. i really enjoyed the venue, especially when you get to stare at 3 feet high angelic statues with tear-drop shaped eyes which make you feel like being a kid once again.hehe. the after effect of this was, i was tempted to have my hair cut shorter and get bangs.which i do have now.hehe. i joined contests like pinta-tao, extemporaneous speaking, and the jpia version of amazing race. we didn’t win in pinta tao, having only blue, green, black and white to work with on roan, our model. and i was asked whether i would agree to postpone the 2007 elections in the extempo contest, where i won third (Thank you Lord!). and we almost won third place in the amazing race, finishing a shy 1 minute later than the pair who won third place.sayang no? i had to chase a varsity swimmer around a 10-feet pool (imagine that and the fat me having no practicein swimming…almost fatal..but i survived because being mobile in the water is in my blood.i am the granddaughter of a fisherman and the daughter of diver…now who’s gonna drown?it ain’t me!) what i liked most about the convention was that i got to know some persons behind the label "fourth year accountancy".i enjoyed attending the convention with my manangs and manongs because i don’t get to interact with them regularly in school, and because i feel intimidated because they’re really smart. =)

the hotel:
the hotel was nice, the interior design of the pasay hotel where we satyed in for the fieldtrip was sparser than the sampaguita garden’s design. we were 6 in the room: joyvie, me, jilian, ng shiela, ate rahcel, and riva. our cr then became the cr ng bayan…cpu delegates housed in the dorm style room regularly visited us during bath time to use the cr.hehe.

the gallery:
it was the museum of the resort.you could see a thirty-six grand figurine on display, with other selected original Precious moments porcelain figurines.on display is also a precious moments version of cory aquino. (i wonder what GMA’s would look like..it would probably look like a high baby.hehehe!) in short,galaway ko kay kanami sang mga figurines and dolls..

the christmas cottage:
on the first floor are Precious moments figurines, dolls and collectible stuff for sale, on the second floor, native crafts are for sale, in honor of the adopted filipina granddaughter of preciuos momoents creator samuel j. butcher. on the third floor, santa figures and collectible items are on display and are for sale. one of the many christmas decorations used on the christmas trees on the first floor costs around P1,600+.

the 47 feet aquarium:
it was directly outside our hotel room, so i enjoyed the view everytime i went out of the room.most rich businessmen own a single aruana for good luck with their business. samuel butcher owns 5.imagine how rich he is. maam crucero told us that it somehow reminded her of sentosa island’s underwater world, which i also visited. (singapore is another blog entry.hehe).during the amazing race, i had to count the number of spots a fish had.hehe

the butcher mansion:
i didn’t exactly fit my personal description of a mansion,being only 2 floors high.but it was luxurious inside. with wood floors and walls, the house boasted two grand pianos, a japanese "throne", several russian eggs (you know the egg-shaped artifacts with dioramas in them and were bedecked with jewels and semiprecious stones), and a Christmas tree decorated with precious moments angel dolls.

circus:
the resort had a small carnival where a small ferris wheel, carousel and a train where placed.cute, but it was for kids i guess…could the odds that a dozen or so accountancy students line up to enjoy the rides offered increase? i had to duckwalk around the carousel during the amaizing race.

boardwalk:
the beach was off limits because it was the open sea ahead of us. during the amazing race, i had to gather stones from waist deep water? who says i had to follow the rules when the high tide was coming in? i also had to run around a circular fountain twice.this was a bit of hard work because i had just finished my 10-feet deep adventure…

i didn’t avail of the spa (because it was so expensive) and the gym (because activities finished around 12 midnight and the best time to use the gym would be during early in the morning and we often woke up just in time to eat breakfast and take a bath).

i did enjoy my sem break.it was just that i felt guilty my parents were staying at home while i was enjoying the money we had to shell out.

i’m disappointed. God knows how much i studied. God knows how much i sacrificed. God knows how much i wanted to win. but then again, i might have had the wrong motive to win, being an accompishment-driven person (i got this from my human behavior in organizations text book).

i feel bad. we were prepared. we had the evidences, and yet we didn’t win. it was ALL our cup of tea, it was all our expertise: and yet we didn’t win. and only God knows why this happened. and only God knows when He will reveal the answers to the whys behind this loss.

it aches emotionally,almost physically. the pain burns. add to the loss the fact that this was the first contest i joined which was open to the public to view where i din’t win or receive at least one award…but i know i won’t stop here. Abraham Lincoln experienced much more loss than all the accumulated losses i accumulated in my sorry life. and i’m holding on to God’s promise that when He says no, there’s something better for me.

-what i learned-

the loss i’ve experienced would be all the more meaningless if i didn’t get anything out of it.

i’ve learned that there is no easy way to achieve the things i want to achieve.

friends who are fickle are no friends at all.

nobody might not be there when you need them to be there for you, but you can always trust in God to be constantly there. God’s comfort eases the pains, and His grace will be there to help me move on.

i appreciated my God-given talent for public speaking. i thank God for giving me an avenue to practice my communication skills even if i am taking up accountancy. ang accountancy, ang capital, utok,alam kag analytical skills. according to CPAs i know, communication skills are an added bonus, but are not the main requirement.

if i were to be given a chance to pursue a second course, i’d like to take up Philippine Law. i am dreaming to become a CPA lawyer, but to get there, i must remember that the fulfillment to my dreams is not handed to me in a golden bowl. it is achieved through sweat, tears, prayers, hopes and God’s grace.

inspite of being a "control freak", i have to learn and relearn the lesson of totally trusting God with everything: lovelife, studies, decisions,the whole and totality of me.

this is not the end of it. i will do my best, and wait on the Lord.He will renew my strength which was crushed and take away my weariness, and He give me wings like the eagles’ and i will run the race of my life through His strength. in Him I was given life, and in Him i will live it.

whew…talk about amazing grace!

mayo na lang gid, wala gakawad-an si Lord sang grace! so this is another of my stories about me and His wonderful grace.

monday evening 2 weeks ago, i was approached,ginhambalan, kinulit, pinilit, encouraged, etc. to join the Iloilo Federation of the Junior Philippine Institute of Accountants (IFJPIA) Accountancy Week Extemporaneous Speaking contest. This contest was scheduled on the wednesday of the same week. So, I sort of agreed, but I guess the occassion and the urgency to prepare was lost on me because it was only when I got home when I realized that almost all accountancy students of 4 other universities would be listening to my made-up instantaneous speech. Much more embarassing to me, I didn’t have any experience on extemporaneous speaking!(Yes, I’m a writer, but writers do have the chance to erase what they’ve wrote, but speakers can’t take back what they said. Add to the odds against me my slow thinking skills, and my tendency to grasp at straws when I look for the right word.) It was going to be my first time, and I thought I could only hope that it wouldn’t be the most embarassing moment in life if ever I couldn’t answer the question!

The next day, I was already conjuring up plans like being purposefully late so I could save face legally: by default. But I knew it would be more embarassing to give my word and not do anything at all, and I knew I’d like to "die" trying. a friend offered to give me possible topics which might come out, like current events connected to business, the economy and accountancy, but it came around…the next day.

Wednesday morning, after our accounting class taught by our dean, she suggested that we have a preview of the other contestants’ presentations. we viewed first the modern dance, then the vocal solo, the vocal duet, then…it was suggested that I be grilled. *uh oh*.

Dean asked me what could I say about the current war between Lebanon and Israel. I uhm…paused a lot, beat around the bush, whined in between paragraphs, and then stopped. The whole of this stupid run through took only 2 something minutes! What a very cultured way to embarass myself in front of our respectable dean and 37 other intelligent junior accountancy students from CPU. I was panicky, and thought that if I could not even make a straight speech in front of just 38 people, how could I possibly answer in front of a hundred other people, in a very public place such as the activity center in SM City?

So I went home 2 hours later than the time I intended to, and hadn’t practiced properly at all. I fixed myself at home, headed on the SM City. While riding the jeepney, it paused for so long just to get a jeepney pass. I was steamed, and at that time, it was barely 15 minutes til default time(if you have gone to my house, you’ll know how far away from SM City it is,especially when you’re running late), and I didn’t have any plans to default anymore. The irony is, when I got to SM City, I was the first contestant to arrive.

Each of the contestant were given 3 minutes to prepare, and 3 minutes to deliver. My question was about corporate social responsibility. I guess I made the introduction and greetings to the speech well, but the mistake I made was that I spoke too fast for my mouth to translate what my mind was still formulating. I gave a very "unoperational" definition of environment, which was what I thought the corporation should take care of for it to fulfill its corporate social responsibility. All the while I was speaking, I was curling and uncurling the rolled paper containing my question unconsciously to vent my nervousness.

When I finally looked up to the main judge, her eyebrows were really knit tighter together, and I figured that either she must be really trying hard to understand the incongruent parts of my speech, or she didn’t like my answer at all. So I just looked, paused for more than 3 seconds, and said thank you. After returning to my seat on stage, I couldn’t look up because I felt embarassed. After the contest, I vowed to get out of SM City before the announcement of winners came, but I was enthralled by other Literary Musical Contests so I stayed. I finally decided to go home after all the contests and before the announcement, but some of my friends held me back because they thought I had a chance to win. So there I was hoping for third place, the least.

When the third placer was announced, my face fell because I thought I didn’t have any chance anymore. This is the part where God’s grace is revealed. I was announced as the second placer! It was really all by His grace, and I couldn’t think of any other plausible reason why I won.

The moral of this story is that: in my weakness, God’s power is made perfect. And that His grace in incomprehensible.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

i am silently withering away. i am longing for something,yet i do not know what it is.or who it is. i am silently tapping away at the keyboards, oblivious to the noise of the internet cafe,yet fully aware of the deadening and growing silence within. like "it’s always winter and never Christmas". (the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe).

it’s silence yet it’s deafening. i hear myself thinking so loud, it reverberates within. i don’t hear any voices, lest you think i am going mad. melodramatic? no…i’m merely putting into words what words actually cannot accurately contain nor measure. ironic isn’t it?

what are you, i ask? what is this? it’s not strong enough to drive me to grave, thank goodness, because the grave holds no answer for me. life is not as strong to hold me in reality either. it holds no answer for me too, now. but i hope i find the answer soon.